PART 1: THE ONE WITH UNAGI
FRIENDS: THE ONE WITH UNAGI
[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump
out on Monica’s side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the
stairs, he jumps out and yells...]
Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!!
(They both scream and jump away.)
Rachel: What the hell was that?!
Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing
every time now.)
Phoebe: Ohh, you’re a freak!!
Ross: Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams
would you have begun to kick my ass?
Rachel: All right, so we weren’t prepared!
Ross: I’m sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but
I... look, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw
out the garbage and Ross screams...) DANGER!!!!! (She completely
ignores him and keeps walking.) Ahhh, huh? Unagi.
[Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and
thinking about that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.]
Joey: (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin.
Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera
widens its shot to reveal a room full of Joey look-a-likes. Joey
looks at the guy next to him and then back at his script.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from doing his laundry. He
starts folding it as Chandler enters.]
Ross: (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it was you.
Ross: Unagi. I’m always aware.
Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?
Ross: What’s up?
Chandler: I can’t figure out what to make Monica.
Ross: Oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes.
Chandler: I’m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that
Ross: You know what? She’d-she’d love this. (Picks up a model of the Saturn V
rocket, that’s the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, it’s an exact
replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends
me to the moon.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. But
you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon
twice and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited
the moon and the one that read the Christmas Story from the orbit of
the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous Earthrise
picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)
Chandler: Wait a minute, I can’t give this to her.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on
(Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out
from behind the curtains and scream...)
Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!!
(Ross screams like a little girl.)
Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)
PART 2: THE ONE WHERE JOEY MOVES OUT
FRIENDS: THE ONE WHERE JOEY MOVES OUT
[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]
PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?
RACHEL: Well I. . .
PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.
TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.
PHOEBE: Here we go.
RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.
PHOEBE: You're not going?
PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?
RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.
PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?
RACHEL: What's 1922?
PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. (pause) Do you want to get this tattoo?
RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .
PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?
PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!
PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!
[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.]
PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.
RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, let me see yours.
PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.
RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.
PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.
RACHEL: You didn't get it?
RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.
PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?
RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.
PART 3: THE ONE WHERE JOEY SPEAKS FRENCH
FRIENDS: THE ONE WHERE JOEY SPEAKS FRENCH
[Central Perk. Phoebe's trying to teach Joey French, so she's sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.]
Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude".
Joey: Je de coup Clow.
Phoebe: Well, just... let's try it again.
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je depli mblue.
Phoebe: Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying.
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Phoebe: It does, really?
Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen.
Joey: Got it.
Phoebe: (slowly) Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je te flouppe Fli.
Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu!
Joey: Oh, de fuff!
[Joey's apartment. Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.]
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je do call blue!
Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je".
Phoebe: Great, ok faster! "je"
Phoebe: Je m'appelle!
Joey: Me pooh pooh!
Phoebe: Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you!
Joey: What are you doing?
Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves)
Joey: (he goes out calling her) Don't move! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! (he gives up). Pooh.
[Joey's apartment. He is sitting on the lounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]
Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!
Tape: Good job.
Joey: Thank you.
Phoebe: Hey Joey.
Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO, let’s try it again.
Joey: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!
Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it.
Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" (Phoebe looks astonished, annoyed and disgusted, Joey seems very proud though) See?
Phoebe: Well, you're not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH!
Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
PART 4: THE ONE WITH ALL THE HASTE (Season 4)
FRIENDS: THE GIRLS GET THEIR APPARTMENT BACK
[Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from a basketball game.]
Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.
Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y’know, kinda like a peace offering.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that’s very nice. Plus, y’know they were free and they’re too small.
(He knocks on the girls’ door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhow, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn’t even realize it.)
Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)
Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!
Chandler: I KNOW!!!
(They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)
Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!
(A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)
Monica: We’ll discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)
Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
(It’s Rachel’s turn to open the door.)
Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)
Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I don’t feel good about it.
(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot in it.)
Chandler: We are switching back, right now!
Monica: No, we’re not! We’re not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! There’s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joey?
Joey: (hesitating) I don’t know.
Joey: I don’t want to move again!
Chandler: I don’t care, this is our apartment! And they stole—you stole our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I’m getting back right now!
(They open the door.)
Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can’t offer anything to us!
Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and…
Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
[Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]
Chandler: Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Chandler: Good night.
Joey: Good night.
(They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.)